By Donnie Rust
A quick list of eleven things that annoy me
As my fame continues to grow I am expecting to have people approaching me to sign autographs, books, CDs and baby’s foreheads so before there are any problems, hiccups or arguments I wanted to put forward a list of some of the things that annoy me. I suppose you could call this a public announcement.
1. Toilet paper that tears off in unusable strips: Disposable toilet paper that’s soft and just absorbent enough to do its job has to be one of the greatest inventions on the planet. While it is less of a brilliant idea and more of a natural necessity we have all experienced the exactly same thought processes as the man who invented it originally, when we’ve sat down on the throne and the world has fallen out of us and we’ve looked around to discover that we’re out of toilet paper. However there is nothing more annoying than when you have to open up a new roll and for some reason it unravels awkwardly so you end up tearing off giant heaps of the stuff just to get at one, perfect smooth sheet. It’s a bizarre commitment to perfection we all have giving what we’re planning on doing with it.
Oooh. What a start!
2. Packaging: About 0.0005% of films made today are even vaguely enjoyable and only the subliminal messaging hidden in the actual film advertising that makes us watch the film let alone buy the DVD. I have come to the conclusion that producers are in cahoots with the packaging companies to ensure that it’s so difficult to unpack the DVD that you get a greater sense of joy at finally getting the thing open compared to ever watching it. The only time this would work is if they were still selling adult orientated DVDs, which they’re not anymore.
3. Lottery emails that start with the word “CONGRATULATIONS”: I, like you, want to be a millionaire and while I’m working long andhard for it I’m not against the idea of taking the easy route and winning it all. In fact I’m quite up for the idea. So I am happy to spend my £8 a month to automatically be included in the lottery game. The money is taken out every month via Direct Debit and I play the same numbers every time. It’s nice, it’s convenient and I don’t have to feel like I’m gambling. Because, as I’m terrible at it, I have to admit I have a gambling problem. After every draw, between the hope of winning and the heartbreak of losing I get an email from the lottery company starting the same way CONGRATULATIONS! I know it’s just congratulating me for being so smart as to purchase my tickets online but there is that brief, half a second where my heart stops and I picture myself in the Batmobile and once I actually air punched and told my boss to go away and procreate. Well, I kind of said that.
4. People who hum along with music they’re listening to on earphones: oddly enough I don’t mind if it’s someone who’s deliberately doing it because they believe their actually in a music video about their life. In which case I’m actually quite happy to watch and join in on the chorus. But for people who like to hum quietly to themselves but want to hear themselves humming so they have to hum really loudly because they still want their music to be loud enough to drown out the exasperated sighs of people behind them. The only benefit to loud music on earphones is that there’s a high statistical chance of them being flattened by dumptrucks.
5. People who get annoyed online about poor grammar: It’s online, they’re communicating online, they’re basically texting each other but with a computer. It doesn’t have to be good grammar, so if they say “their” instead of “there” or “your” instead of “you’re” I don’t care and neither should you. People who get worked up over it are just the sort of pestering “know it alls” who always have to be right because they weren’t loved properly as children and grew up believing that the world owes them something and mention things so that other people will pay them some attention.
6. People who use poor grammar: seriously, get an education you scum.
7. Emo’s : a fashion sense is one thing, but if you want people to think that you’re on the verge of tears all the time, let me slap you and give me something to cry about.
8. Obesity: People who complain about being obese while doing nothing about to stop being obese, it’s as bad as smokers who quit smoking after every single cigarette. Being fat is not a crime but unless someone is force feeding you then it’s mechanically still your own fault.
9. Cat people: because while scientists have proven that cats don’t cause brain tumours, it just means that people who like cats are legitimately crazy. Honestly, have you noticed how when old people have dogs they’re usually running around, walking with them, enjoying their company in the sunshine and smiling. While cat people, when they’re old are sitting watching television, being walked over by the cats and getting asthma. No, cats are legitimately only good for Youtube videos and that’s only when they’re kittens. To quote a saying, “Cats do not hate you for your race, your gender or your religious standing- they hate you because they’re cats.”
10. Duck lips: it’s a blight upon humanity that this has been allowed to become a problem. While I’m not an expert on this as far as I’m aware there is a different between a pout and a Daffy Duck impression. The Facebook “Duck Face” phenomina is not that it makes a girl look cheaper than a stick of gum, but that it makes you dumber than the wrapper the gum is wrapped up in… and just as disposable.
11. Fanatics: religious, eco warriors, eco nuts, dietitions, campaigners for anything at all in general, signed petitions, sponsored events, Occupy, anyone between the ages of 13 and 18 with an opinion, soccer fans, George Lucas fans, overtanned people, atheists, online trolls, online gnomes, online fairies, pixies and unicorns and forever and always vegans.
There you go. I trust this has been informative for yourselves and that you will make proper use of the information.
Kindest regards and now pass me that baby so I can scribble my name on it’s face.
- See more at: http://www.littlegatepublishing.com/2012/09/11-of-the-world%e2%80%99s-most-annoying-things/#sthash.ugg2AS0Q.dpuf